I can feel your sadness, and pride
And the hollow we both hold, deep inside
That space where so many thoughts collide
How did we allow our love to divide?
I remember loving you,
under the moon against the rail
Back when we pushed the “us” to sail
When did our “we,” become your jail?
Here, at night, the sky fills with stars
Are you looking too, from somewhere afar?
On shooting stars, that soar through the sky
My hand in yours, how I wished we could fly.
A song triggers memories sweet
Kitchen dancing to the beat
Music picked for summer heat;
We climbed the hill, above the lake
Our dreams entwined, a life to make.
I think of the place we first lay,
Blue sky above, with pines asway
Our vision grew, a full colour display
We saw the world a different way
Can we go back, to that day in May?
Do you remember that time
When moonlight created a shimmering line
To dancing loons, that circled in time?
Flapping their wings, their walking skate
Each one rose, in search of a mate
But the clouds came in, and covered the moon
And we were left thinking, it was over too soon.
I think about the late summer day
When our marriage vows were cast away
The lake a cold bath, we had that morning
The power went off, without any warning
Our vows were lost, a template was read
We repeated them, laughing at words we said.
Our family was called to make an oath
To see us through, the hardest growth
Those times when life creates divide
When love is challenged, and runs to hide
Where are they now? They built a wall
I try to climb… but always fall.
I yearn for the life we had, planned out,
Days spent together, without any doubt
So long ago, before your work took the space
That I was to have, at the start of our race
I think of our dreams to be free
A vineyard, a farm, a hotel by the sea
Each needed commitment, but we couldn’t agree
On how both of us, could become a strong “we.”
I remember, talking over our plan
To avoid nine to five, and the corporate man
But in time our dreams faded, we fell into the ranks
Of days filled by work, and empty thanks
More time spent apart, than together to grow
To learn how to value, the love we bestow,
You no longer yearn, for the surf of the sea
A lake calm and still, is where you must be
As the years passed, your focus it dimmed
Your work took priority, while love for me thinned
Deep in my heart, I knew without doubt
The love you once held, had slowly burned out
Little was left, but knowledge impending
That one-sided love, is never transcending.
When love is held as life’s great mission
It pushes us beyond, our own small condition
Out into the world, it will teach you to give
And that is the lesson, that allows you to live
A much fuller life than one stuck revolving
On your own small desires, with little evolving.
Love, allows you to see the sparkle of light
That adds depth and meaning, to a dark night.
I think about all the love that I gave
It was taken, expected, but little repaid
No flowers for me, though you knew how I wanted
A gesture of love, with freesia flaunted
Living to satisfy want, desire and need
Will not lift you out, of a world filled with greed
Too many buy into the flattering notion
That life should be focused on self-devotion
I cry so, as the world promotes, this deception
And suicide rates climb beyond, all perception
When our kids became teens, I realised perhaps late
The life we were living, allow few to escape
The consumerist world, is a stark empty place
Where success is not measured, on how you make the world better
But by the fashion brand, that appears on your sweater
So few people, can truly grow beyond
The self-focused love, that opulence spawns
From circular thoughts, so empty they be
When life is all about, enhancing the “me,”
You will give up honour, commitment, and passion
For a sheltered life, jammed with inaction
Don’t you see that it is, such a small little ration.
When compared to a life, filled with compassion?
You refused to let go of the wheel
The decisions you made, I could not appeal
To the man who is hiding, behind the facade
That a life lived alone, is one to applaud.
I hope that our kids, have learned how to treasure
The strength that it takes, to ignore easy pleasure
When over the years, I put aside my own thirst,
To wait patiently, while I slowly nursed
The dreams made for two, that have now burst
When I pushed you too hard, to put me first.
A life that revolves, around just personal need
Makes it easy to deny, you’ve done a wrong deed.
But you deserted our life, refused to support my dream
Making excuses like – “it wasn’t mainstream.”
I believe that the man deep inside
Might one day break free, of the cultural tide
And if that can happen, then at last you will soar
It is all about, embracing your roar.
So small you’ve become, like a plant in a box
Your anxiety puts limits, on all of your thoughts
It’s easy to ignore, the oaths that you made
But letting go integrity, will lose your brave
And fear will stop you, from riding the wave
Of passion so deep, of treasure sublime,
Of wisdom that comes, from a love that’s divine.
The footings you set, in the life you have chosen
Are buried so deep, they’ll never be frozen.
You’ve traded a life to learn, grow, and find meaning
For one that is stable and calm, but careening
Away from the physical world, so virile and alive
Where your honour and actions, might yet still survive
To a life of abstraction, studying charts on your drive.
I know the struggle you’ll have, for love to be sure
To let down your defences, and the fears you endure
To face a new future, that allows a detour
Away from your data, so void of diversity
To a life full of change, that creates the adversity
Needed to keep you, learning and thriving
And allow you to focus, on one love surviving.
When you left, I hoped there might be line
To tie us together, until I could find
A route to the dream, once mutually held
To spend our days together, and have our lives meld.
As Covid-19 sets the world all ablaze,
I’ve learned to live alone, over so many days
Without you beside me, to place focus on
I found the voice, I thought was long gone.
When love first begins, it requires we learn to compromise
To give more of ourselves and share, not monopolise
Love pulls us out, from our own selfish minds
and allows us to see, the world without blinds.
I think of the mistakes that I made,
To let us grow distant, and to separate
I wonder now about the justifications you gave
For breaking your vows, for running away
Not open to change, but craving stability
You’d rather be safe, and lose your virility
Then embrace life full on, in all its fragility.
As I write this, I know it’s time to give up
I can see that your soul, is somehow stuck
The man I once knew, lost his way long ago
He once cycled around the world, did you know?
Back then I imagine the hills he rode down,
His arms spread wide open, he wore a gold crown
He wasn’t afraid to take life by the horns,
He was my king, and the man I shall mourn.
The course we set out on, has filled in with fog
A correction is needed, a different prologue
I wonder now, if you were to focus on growing,
Could there be a way, to get your love flowing?
I feel gratitude, for the time we had in our life
I know that I’ve grown far beyond, that naive little wife
Who came into our marriage, bright-eyed with delight
Believing our dreams could weave together, at night.
I believe in the power of love, to quench every desire
It’s the pulsing beat, that pushed man to create fire
It’s the roaring drive, that ignites every invention
It’s the force giving life, it’s eternal dimension.