Yet Still

Yet Still

Yet still. 

I can feel your sadness, and pride

And the hollow we both hold, deep inside

That space where so many thoughts collide

How did we allow our love to divide?

 

Yet still

I remember loving you, 

under the moon against the rail

Back when we pushed the “us” to sail

When did our “we,” become your jail?  

 

Yet still. 

Here, at night, the sky fills with stars 

Are you looking too, from somewhere afar?

On shooting stars, that soar through the sky

My hand in yours, how I wished we could fly.

 

Yet still.

A song triggers memories sweet

Kitchen dancing to the beat

Music picked for summer heat;

We climbed the hill, above the lake

Our dreams entwined, a life to make. 

 

Yet still. 

I think of the place we first lay,

Blue sky above, with pines asway

Our vision grew, a full colour display

We saw the world a different way

Can we go back, to that day in May?

 

Yet still.

Do you remember that time  

When moonlight created a shimmering line 

To dancing loons, that circled in time?

Flapping their wings, their walking skate

Each one rose, in search of a mate

But the clouds came in, and covered the moon

And we were left thinking, it was over too soon.

Yet still.

I think about the late summer day

When our marriage vows were cast away

The lake a cold bath, we had that morning

The power went off, without any warning

Our vows were lost, a template was read

We repeated them, laughing at words we said.

 

Yet still. 

Our family was called to make an oath 

To see us through, the hardest growth

Those times when life creates divide

When love is challenged, and runs to hide

Where are they now? They built a wall

I try to climb… but always fall.

 

Yet still.

I yearn for the life we had, planned out, 

Days spent together, without any doubt 

So long ago, before your work took the space

That I was to have, at the start of our race

Yet still. 

I think of our dreams to be free 

A vineyard, a farm, a hotel by the sea

Each needed commitment, but we couldn’t agree

On how both of us, could become a strong “we.”

 

Yet still.

I remember, talking over our plan 

To avoid nine to five, and the corporate man

But in time our dreams faded, we fell into the ranks 

Of days filled by work, and empty thanks

More time spent apart, than together to grow

To learn how to value, the love we bestow,

 

Yet still.

You no longer yearn, for the surf of the sea 

A lake calm and still, is where you must be

As the years passed, your focus it dimmed 

Your work took priority, while love for me thinned

Deep in my heart, I knew without doubt

The love you once held, had slowly burned out

Little was left, but knowledge impending 

That one-sided love, is never transcending.

Yet still. 

When love is held as life’s great mission

It pushes us beyond, our own small condition

Out into the world, it will teach you to give

And that is the lesson, that allows you to live

A much fuller life than one stuck revolving

On your own small desires, with little evolving.

Love, allows you to see the sparkle of light

That adds depth and meaning, to a dark night.

Yet still. 

I think about all the love that I gave

It was taken, expected, but little repaid

No flowers for me, though you knew how I wanted

A gesture of love, with freesia flaunted 

 

Yet still. 

Living to satisfy want, desire and need

Will not lift you out, of a world filled with greed

Too many buy into the flattering notion 

That life should be focused on self-devotion

 

Yet still 

I cry so, as the world promotes, this deception 

And suicide rates climb beyond, all perception

When our kids became teens, I realised perhaps late

The life we were living, allow few to escape

The consumerist world, is a stark empty place

Where success is not measured, on how you make the world better

But by the fashion brand, that appears on your sweater

 

Yet still.

So few people, can truly grow beyond 

The self-focused love, that opulence spawns

From circular thoughts, so empty they be

When life is all about, enhancing the “me,”

 

Yet still.

You will give up honour, commitment, and passion

For a sheltered life, jammed with inaction

Don’t you see that it is, such a small little ration.

When compared to a life, filled with compassion?

 

Yet still.

You refused to let go of the wheel

The decisions you made, I could not appeal

To the man who is hiding, behind the facade 

That a life lived alone, is one to applaud.

Yet still.

I hope that our kids, have learned how to treasure

The strength that it takes, to ignore easy pleasure

When over the years, I put aside my own thirst,

To wait patiently, while I slowly nursed

The dreams made for two, that have now burst

When I pushed you too hard, to put me first.

 

Yet still.

A life that revolves, around just personal need

Makes it easy to deny, you’ve done a wrong deed. 

But you deserted our life, refused to support my dream 

Making excuses like – “it wasn’t mainstream.”

 

Yet still. 

I believe that the man deep inside

Might one day break free, of the cultural tide 

And if that can happen, then at last you will soar

It is all about, embracing your roar.

 

Yet still. 

So small you’ve become, like a plant in a box

Your anxiety puts limits, on all of your thoughts

It’s easy to ignore, the oaths that you made

But letting go integrity, will lose your brave 

And fear will stop you, from riding the wave

Of passion so deep, of treasure sublime,

Of wisdom that comes, from a love that’s divine.

Yet still.

The footings you set, in the life you have chosen 

Are buried so deep, they’ll never be frozen.

You’ve traded a life to learn, grow, and find meaning 

For one that is stable and calm, but careening

Away from the physical world, so virile and alive

Where your honour and actions, might yet still survive

To a life of abstraction, studying charts on your drive.

 

Yet still.

I know the struggle you’ll have, for love to be sure

To let down your defences, and the fears you endure

To face a new future, that allows a detour 

Away from your data, so void of diversity

To a life full of change, that creates the adversity

Needed to keep you, learning and thriving  

And allow you to focus, on one love surviving.

 

Yet still. 

When you left, I hoped there might be line

To tie us together, until I could find

A route to the dream, once mutually held 

To spend our days together, and have our lives meld.

 

Yet still.

As Covid-19 sets the world all ablaze, 

I’ve learned to live alone, over so many days 

Without you beside me, to place focus on 

I found the voice, I thought was long gone.

 

Yet still.

When love first begins, it requires we learn to compromise

To give more of ourselves and share, not monopolise

Love pulls us out, from our own selfish minds 

and allows us to see, the world without blinds. 

 

Yet still.

I think of the mistakes that I made, 

To let us grow distant, and to separate

I wonder now about the justifications you gave

For breaking your vows, for running away

Not open to change, but craving stability

You’d rather be safe, and lose your virility

Then embrace life full on, in all its fragility.

Yet still. 

As I write this, I know it’s time to give up

I can see that your soul, is somehow stuck

The man I once knew, lost his way long ago

He once cycled around the world, did you know?

Back then I imagine the hills he rode down,

His arms spread wide open, he wore a gold crown

He wasn’t afraid to take life by the horns,

He was my king, and the man I shall mourn.

 

Yet still.

The course we set out on, has filled in with fog 

A correction is needed, a different prologue

I wonder now, if you were to focus on growing, 

Could there be a way, to get your love flowing?

 

Yet still. 

I feel gratitude, for the time we had in our life

I know that I’ve grown far beyond, that naive little wife

Who came into our marriage, bright-eyed with delight

Believing our dreams could weave together, at night.

 

Yet still.

I believe in the power of love, to quench every desire

It’s the pulsing beat, that pushed man to create fire

It’s the roaring drive, that ignites every invention

It’s the force giving life, it’s eternal dimension.

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